Written
Pieces
"Baby
Blog: Day 54" -- [3/9/06]
For those of you
just tuning into Baby
Blog, let me fill you in on what you’ve missed so
far. About two months ago (jeez, has it been that long?) a mix-up at
the Westside Laundromat put me in possession of The Baby:
I didn’t notice
the mistake until I had gotten home and at that point it was too late
to fix it. So now I live with a real-life infant. We’re not as much
“parent and child” as we are “roommates.” And you know… that baby’s
pretty alright.
Ok, so now that you’re up to speed, let me fill you in on today’s
events.
I woke up early this morning to make it to my midterm on time. I was
understandably a little tired and nervous, but to cheer me up The Baby
did a pretty spot-on impression of me.
With some last minute studying in my head and the musings of a young
child in my heart I made my way to campus.
I finished the midterm early and was feeling pretty good about it. I
was excited to get home and tell The Baby about how it all went. He’s
usually pretty interested in how my school work’s going. But when I got
home, The Baby was nowhere in sight. I figured perhaps he’d gone to the
park to hang out with some other babies, or that maybe he’d run out of
the baby food I bought him (frozen strawberries and RC Cola.)
But about an hour later, I got a knock at the door and found, much to
my surprise, a police officer holding this by the collar.
“Is this yours?” he asked, to
which I replied, “Well nobody owns
him but he lives here.” The officer
and I shared a laugh (I think he thought I was kidding) and he left.
Besides being adorable, I asked The Baby what the hell he was doing
outside dressed like a dog, to which he replied “What’s a dog?” When I
told him he just started crying. Then I started crying. When will
public schools learn kids need to know their animals?
Despite his small stature and top-heavy walk, The Baby rocks
surprisingly hard at Dance Dance Revolution. So, every couple of weeks
I take him down to the video arcade on Fairfax and make a little money
betting with the Asian dudes who hang out there. Today in particular
the baby shattered the high-score record and a group of Vietnamese gang
members surrounded me and The Baby and began to threaten us. But then
The Baby did this trick I taught him where he says “da-da!” and I
pretend it’s his first word. All the gang members immediately started
laughing
and smiling and they even treated us to a couple of rounds of
DDR. Works every time.
When we got home all The Baby did was complain. He gets under my skin
every once in a while, and when he does I find its best to just walk
away. If there’s one thing I learned the hard way in High School its
not to punch a baby. I had stuff to do in the apartment so I put The
Baby outside for awhile. He tried to eat a cat and I laughed really
hard.
Later in the evening I checked my grades online and my midterm grade
had already been posted. I was really upset to find that I’d gotten a
“B” after studying so hard. I started to cry again but The Baby
remained surprisingly calm. After about an hour of sulking I went out
into the living room to grab a beer and who do I see but The Baby
dressed up like a bee!
He said that “B”s aren’t all that bad after all! What a fuckin’ cool
baby, eh? I felt a lot better after that and to celebrate me and The
Baby went out to get a beer (or as we called it that night, a
“bee”r…lol). Man that baby is super lucky too because he’s not even
close to 21 but they never even card him.
The baby continues to be a blessing in disguise. He makes me think
maybe I’d even like to have a kid of my own someday. Welp, the baby’s
calling me from the living room. 24’s on and he gets really upset if we
don’t catch the recap at the beginning.
Until next time,
--Danny
